Cart / €0.00 Our lives are complex, some more than others. We all carry experiences or stories within us, these experiences of joy, happiness, love, and achievement, but also stories of betrayal, grief, and loss. Some of these more painful stories become etched into every cell of our being, impossible to let go of. They are there, day and night and we learn to live with that pain. They replay in our minds, they relive the emotions, and sometimes we consciously cling to them in a belief that they define who we are.
But here is the psychological truth: when we hold onto past pain, we don’t just remember it - we live in it, over and over. We become busy living in yesterday, our today passes us by, unnoticed and unlived.
This pattern continues, when there is something rewarding from the pain in our past for us to want to relive it, however, the subconscious mind has a need to close the chapter, to do due diligence on its filing and begins to bring levels of pain and illness into our present, forcing us to bring to a close, that in which is in our past.
So why do we cling to pain, and what is the cost of not letting go?
Why We Hold Onto Pain
Many of my clients think I’m nuts when I explain the section above, they will argue that they do NOT want to hold onto the past. It seems illogical and irrational to want to hold onto something that creates so much pain for us. Yet for many, letting go, feels even more frightening than holding on.
- Pain becomes part of our identity. If we have carried a wound for a long time, it can start to feel like it defines us. Who am I, if not the person who was abandoned, betrayed, wronged or hurt others?
- It feels like protection. Holding onto our pain can feel like a suit of protection. If I never allow myself forget, it will never happen again.
- We consciously long for closure. Sometimes we wait for an apology from those who harmed us, sometimes we want revenge, sometimes we hope for an explanation that may never come, sometimes we feel so ashamed of our behaviour, we feel nobody could forgive us for what we did. So we grip with a strangle hold, that pain, in our desperate need for justice.
- It keeps us connected. Our pain is often tied to the perpetrator, or the victim. Holding onto the suffering can feel like holding onto the person, the memory, or the significance of what was lost.
On some level, holding pain feels safer than loosening our grip. But safety has a price.
The Cost of Holding On
As we hold tightly onto our past, wearing our past like a badge of honour, or shame. The consequences to our present, the cost to the quality of our life is devastating.
- The emotional weight becomes exhausting. Carrying resentment, regret, shame or grief drains us of joy and peace.
- We limit our growth. As our past replays over and over, and the same emotions rise, we cease to be able to learn – and therefore become stuck. We circle in the same story, never writing the next chapter.
- Relationships suffer. Old wounds always spill into present connections. A partner, a friend, even a child, may feel the shadow of our pain that had nothing to do with them.
- The present slips away. Life becomes less about living and more about surviving each day. Some people call themselves survivors, yes, they are survivors, who relive their trauma over and over, some join groups of other like-minded survivors who all together relive over and over their trauma, supporting each-other in the trauma, instead of letting it go. Forgiveness in the pathway to growth. Not survival groups.
When we hold onto the past, irrespective of our desires or beliefs, we become imprisoned by our past.
What Letting Go Really Means
Letting go does not mean to forget – it means to remember with love and Honour, and to Forgive. Forgiveness is the path to growth. When we learn to forgive and let go, we are not condoning what happened. We are taking responsibility for whatever part we may have played in the event that has become stuck. Our responsibility in the present is to heal.
Letting go does not erase the past. It doesn’t mean the wound was justified, or that the betrayal was acceptable. It means we are choosing to loosen its grip on our present and our future.
It’s about reclaiming our power, no longer allowing the past to dictate the quality of our life today.
Letting go means taking the lesson that were presented at the time, taking any positives we can find in that event, and there are always positives – then releasing the suffering, sundering to the power of forgiveness and letting go.
We arrive at a time in our lives when our subconscious mind demands that we make a choice, Forgive – Let Go OR Suffer until we do.
Steps Toward Release
Letting go is a journey, not a single act. It takes time and willingness, to reconcile with the past. It requires great courage, and even greater gentleness. Here are some first steps:
- Awareness. Begin by noticing what exactly we are still holding onto. Is it anger? Shame? Regret? Naming the pain is the first step in loosening its hold.
- Reframe. Instead of asking, “Why did this happen to me?” or “Why did I allow that happen?” shift to, “What have I learned by those actions?” This does not excuse what happened but transforms it into wisdom.
- Self-compassion. Forgive yourself – no matter whether we were the perpetrators or the victim, allow forgiveness settle within every cell of the body - forgiving the choices we made, forgiveness for the times we did not know better, or for simply being human.
- Closure rituals. Sometimes we need a symbolic act to release pain: journaling, writing a letter never sent, or a small ritual of letting go.
- Replace the pain. Create space for something new. Pour your energy into creativity, purpose, or relationships that uplift you. When our hands are no longer clenched around the old wound, they are free to hold something better.
Moving From Survival to Living
The human existence is filled with pain and joy. Both are inevitable, as we cannot know joy without pain and vice versa. It is part of the human story. But suffering, especially prolonged suffering from the past, is often a choice, a choice we will often deny. We cannot rewrite what happened yesterday, but we can choose whether to carry it with us today.
When we stop clutching the pain of the past, something beautiful happens. We begin to live again. Our hearts soften, our vision clears, and we can finally step into the present with open hands and open eyes.
Each of us must ask: What am I still carrying that no longer serves me?
The truth is, the past does not disappear when we release it - it becomes part of the tapestry of who we are. We cannot be the person of today, without being the person of yesterday, combined with all the joy and sorry and pain belong to yesterday. But when we allow the past to live where it is supposed to live, it no longer weighs us down. Instead, it can stand as a quiet teacher, a reminder of how far we’ve come.
And when we choose to let go, we discover something amazing, we realise our courageous we are, we become to know that our experiences have not been trapped in our old wounds. But instead, it has made us who we are today and it is still unfolding, here and now, in the present moment.
Forgiveness is the path to growth.
By David P. Ellis
